# Relationship Advice. Please help!



## CaliforniaDreaming (Jul 8, 2022)

I am an American woman 48 with a 7 year-old son. I have fallen in love with a 25 year-old Sikh Punjabi man who says he is deeply in love with me, too. I understand the enormous age difference but our understanding and union has brought me joy beyond words. He is the light of my life. And I am going to live as a Sikh ( and raise my child in the community) because of his good example.  However he is telling me his family is requiring him to marry within the next year and will NEVER accept me as his bride. So he wants us to “live in the moment” until he returns to India to marry. After which time he will return to California with his bride and we can then be platonic friends. 

This is breaking my heart and he says he cries every day about it. But he cannot even speak about me to his parents for fear they will reject him forever. 

Is this true? Does this stigma align with the teachings of the Guru? If so, please show me. Or is he using Sikhism as an excuse to have “fun” before marriage? Because I believe his love is real but I do not understand why he won’t even ASK his family for our blessing. 

Please help me understand!!!


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## Tasveer Singh (Jul 9, 2022)

Hi.
If he really loves you and you really love him and your best friends then their should be no issue with the two of you getting married. If he cannot commit after some time then the best thing would be to move on. My grandma married my grandad (indian)and she was pardaan (head of the sikh temple) in manchester. she was from a white english background and is one of the greatest sikhs in our community. Ik onkaar. Sat naam. God is one and god is all. Onkar is the name of the creator in sikhi. We are all one. The gurmukh implants the one word of the shabhad in their hearts and bathes in the love of the naam. God bles.


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## Ishna (Jul 10, 2022)

Edit: rewriting so my message is clearer, sorry!


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## Ishna (Jul 10, 2022)

[Okay, here's my second attempt.]

Hello

My heart goes out for your situation.  I am 37/F/Australia.  When I was 24 I married someone 22 years my senior, an Italian-Australian.  We were married for nearly 6 years before I left him.  Our circumstances were no doubt very different from yours, however, on the basis of my personal experince I feel I must caution you against going down a similar path.

I've also seen female American Sikh-convert friends marry into Indian families and then struggle significantly with the cultural gap.  On this front I also strongly caution you.

You said, 'Or is he using Sikhism as an excuse to have “fun” before marriage?'  I'm sorry to say, I think you may be right.  He may not even realise he's doing it.  His feelings for you may be real, but you also outlined his plan already - to 'live in the moment' until he goes back to India.  

Sikhi straight from the Guru has no position on all this - age gaps or marrying outside of one's culture.  The Sikh religion as drawn up by Sikhs, however, does talk about not engaging in premarital sex.

So, I just say with compassion and kindness, please find someone who is a more appropriate match for you so you can live the rest of your life securely with someone who loves and respects you and your son.  Someone with whom you can live in peace and contentment, without the cultural complications, without the fear and doubting that will no doubt come along as you age.

Good luck, and God bless.


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## swarn bains (Jul 12, 2022)

only way you and him can get some answer is by him telling his parents all about it. and then if possible you both agree then go and meet his parents. it will test his will power and if he really wants to be with you, he will come to you. or otherewise it is better to separate and suffer the pain


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## P J Singh (Oct 11, 2022)

I just read your note.  As a concerned human being, I could not stop without adding a few of my cautionary thoughts. Let me first say that where there is "true/genuine love", such association/relationship is immune to any social, cultural and age difference. Your partner can be 20 years senior or 10 year junior is not a problem; the problem is how one thinks and behaves and the degree to which you both feel physically, socially and emotionally whole in the relationship. However, in your note there are some "red flags' that are so apparent and calls for your attention. It appears you are emotionally so involved in this relationship that you not able to see clearly.

You write "So he wants us to “live in the moment” until he returns to India to marry. After which time he will return to California with his bride and we can then be platonic friends."  What? Does he really understand what he is saying.  What happens to the life of the new bride whom he plans to marry and bring to US. He plans to be a husband to her but will be in platonic love with you. Do you think the platonic love will stay platonic with the history that you described. Does it make sense to you?  Which parent would like their daughter to marry such a a person?

I suggest you please follow Ishna's advice in this thread. Also please keep in mind the true Sikhi is not only in appearance (turban and beard); it is in how a person who claims to be a Sikh, lives and acts.  Everyone, who appears to be a Sikh may not be a Sikh in the words of Guru.  Differences due to social constructs have no meaning in Sikhi, neither are the age gaps or marrying outside of one's culture.


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